Our emotions often determine how we parent.

If we feel guilty about spending too much time at work, we try to appease children by giving them gifts or by trying to be their friend — rather than making a plan to spend more time with them.

We tend to confuse what a child wants with what a child needs. And children are very perceptive. They can sense if we are just trying to please them. They will respond accordingly.

If children’s needs are met, they are kind, co-operative and happy. However, if they sense their parents are just trying to please them, they become demanding and frustrated.

Doing the “right thing” and being the “perfect parent” means not being the child’s friend and not always pleasing them, but rather giving the child what they need to feel loved and secure. Children like to know that parents are in control, and that there are rules with consequences. A routine makes them feel safe.

Children should be able to predict what is expected of them and what they can expect from their parents.

They need to be treated with dignity, kindness and respect, thereby learning how to treat others with dignity and respect. Smacking and other forms of punitive discipline chip away at their self-esteem.

While children should be protected from harm, they should also be free to explore their environment.

Of course “kids cared for by nannies are more likely to be happy” — if the nanny is meeting their needs.

But children who have a strong connection with their parents, and have their needs met by their parents, are more likely to have high self-esteem and be successful in life. — Claire Marketos, by e-mail